I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
