those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
