Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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