I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
