You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
