Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
