I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
