You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
