ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
