I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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