The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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