his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
