Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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