Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
