She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
