My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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