a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
