My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
