I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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