sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
