I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
