note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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