I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
