My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
