I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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