i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
