I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
