why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
