What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
