i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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