I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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