he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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