those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
