I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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