Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
