I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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