I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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