I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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