My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
