i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
