the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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