I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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