; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I hope mine doesn't look like that
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
