Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
