I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you remember whose house we're in?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
