this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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