Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
