Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
