You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
be right there i have to get my cape
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
