So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
