her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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